Unhappy Mother’s Day
Unhappy Mother’s Day
I am wondering if there are those of you out there who are not excited at all about Sunday’s celebration of Mother’s Day. I’m just putting that out there because for many years, Mother’s Day was excruciatingly painful for me because I was not given much hope to be able to have the children that I so desperately wanted.
If you’ve never been through infertility, it’s really hard to understand. For me, it was like I was grieving the death of a child that hadn’t even been conceived. Strange phenomenon. The pain was so forceful that I remember crying out to the Lord with such anguish that I could barely recognize the sound of my own voice as it left my body in great heaving siren-like wails. Some of you know what I’m talking about.
One day I was vacuuming the rug in our tiny dining room when the anguish of being barren overtook me like black storm. I was alone, so I cried aloud. Asking why. Begging for relief either in the form of a child, or in the form of taking the desire away. How was I supposed to go on? I was terrified at the thought of never being a mother or a grandmother And worse yet, knowing that my husband had married a woman that would never be able to give him the children he’d dreamed of his whole life. As my chaotic thoughts tumbled out in a frenzied prayer, I could hear a still, small whisper over the noise. So still, so sweet, that it calmed me for a moment so I could hear it. “I have ordained this specific trial just for you. I am standing here asking you to accept this pain and walk through it with me. You ask me why over and over again, but you already know why. It is for MY glory. Your barrenness will bring ME glory. And isn’t that your deepest heart’s desire?” And I realized in that moment that God was calling me to glorify Him in my pain, which is the highest form of worship. It’s so easy to serve and love God when the blessings flow, but when He chooses to touch us in a painful way and we beat against it, yes, but ultimately come back to worship Him, ah…..now that’s when we really see Christ being formed in us. Because we look like Jesus did in a minuscule way as He obediently traveled the road to the cross for His Father’s glory. And what’s really cool about God is that our pain is not only for His glory, but for our great good.(Romans 8:28) God’s glory and our best good always go in tandem.
In those dark days, I could never have imagined what the Lord was doing. One of the reasons I am blogging about this is because I truly believe the Lord had me walk through this fire so that I could help others who are going through the same thing. Oh, dear one who is a mother in your heart but not in your arms, look at your Savior. Choose to believe that He is asking you to wait on Him. He is moving in ways you cannot see. For me, after years of trying and almost losing them during pregnancy, the Lord, allowed me to bear 3 beautiful boys. And I’m so grateful for my story. So grateful that the Lord asked me to go through that fire. Why? Because He has been so exalted in my life through it. He did a miracle for me. And it’s not because He answered my prayer for babies in the affirmative, but because in my pain, He revealed Himself to me in beautiful ways. He picked me up and walked with me through it all. He didn’t abandon me when I didn’t have the strength to make it through the day. I HAD to lean on His mighty chest. Was FORCED to trust Him. I never would have known Him in such an intimate way had He not sovereignly and with surgical precision inserted deep pain in my heart. I NEEDED Him in a way that was unique to my pain, and He did not disappoint. With the great pain came His even greater presence. Breathtaking.
If you are hurting, and the thought of Mother’s Day is too much for you to bear this year, be encouraged. Let yourself feel the pain. Scream and holler and sob and wail if you have to. He can take it. And know that under the floodwaters of your pain, there is a Savior that will breathe for you. He will bring value to your hurt and redeem it for His glory. And, in the end, whatever the outcome He chooses for you, you will find like I did that you wouldn’t change a thing. Because if you let it, the pain will become precious to you because it drove you to love Jesus more. Phil. 3:10